Dynamic self
My friend, Derek, posted an entry about being true to yourself and not succumbing to what others expect of you. I somewhat touched on the latter in my post about red packet for wedding dinner.
However, one has to be careful about sticking to being true to onself for the sake of doing so. This is simply because "who you are" is dynamic. Simply put, people's trueselves do change, hopefully for the better.
Take for example a father of a family with wife and kids. He grew up in an era where parents had the final say, children should listen to their parents, wives were subservient to their husbands etc. He truly believed in all of these and that there was nothing wrong with them in his eyes. It formed part of who he is i.e. a typical China man, as some of us may label him so. However, his children grow up in a different era where woman and man are on equal footing and children have their own paths to follow. Gradually, his children are becoming more and more distant from him as they couldn't accept the values he holds.
Should he then simply say, "This is who I am and I'm not going to change for my family"? Or should he say, "Hey, maybe there is something better than this. I do want to change to have better relationship with my wife and children. It is a different era already"? I'm glad to say that he has changed and enjoys rather good relationship with his children. There are always regular jokes between him and his children, something that is rather unthinkable in the past. I've yet to ask him whether he is happier in this new self or was he happier in his old self but it is highly likely he is happier today than previously.
A simpler example: say that you are prone to sarcasm. I've met sarcastic people before and depends on the level of sarcasm, it is usually harmless and can be quite funny at times. Pauls' sarcasm, for example, is something I usually laugh at although it may be about me. However, let's say a friend has a very bad day and that it was partly his fault, do you just automatically open your mouth and say something sarcastic? What good does that do? The only person who benefits from this remark is probably you alone, but how about your friend? It only makes him feels worse. If he reacts badly to that remark, should you just shrug off and say, "Well, that's who I am and if he cannot take it, too bad"?, or should you have kept your mouth shut at the start and not make him feel any worse in the first place?
A personal example would be the changes I've made to how I dress. This was upon feedback from my friends. If I had just said, "Nah, I'm happy as who I am now, wearing oversized clothings and not bordering with syling hair, and so there is no need to change", I would not have discovered a greater sense of pleasure and enjoyment by changing the way I dress (and my hairstyle :-)).
I personally have struggled with "who am I?" as I am keen to clearly define it so as to be able to make a stand on things but I discovered that it itself is quite dynamic simply because I would like to improve myself. If it is due to feedback from other people, so be it. I am not suggesting that I change in response to every feedback and expectation but rather be open to them and decide for myself whether it is for the betterment of my person before changing, if at all.
However, one has to be careful about sticking to being true to onself for the sake of doing so. This is simply because "who you are" is dynamic. Simply put, people's trueselves do change, hopefully for the better.
Take for example a father of a family with wife and kids. He grew up in an era where parents had the final say, children should listen to their parents, wives were subservient to their husbands etc. He truly believed in all of these and that there was nothing wrong with them in his eyes. It formed part of who he is i.e. a typical China man, as some of us may label him so. However, his children grow up in a different era where woman and man are on equal footing and children have their own paths to follow. Gradually, his children are becoming more and more distant from him as they couldn't accept the values he holds.
Should he then simply say, "This is who I am and I'm not going to change for my family"? Or should he say, "Hey, maybe there is something better than this. I do want to change to have better relationship with my wife and children. It is a different era already"? I'm glad to say that he has changed and enjoys rather good relationship with his children. There are always regular jokes between him and his children, something that is rather unthinkable in the past. I've yet to ask him whether he is happier in this new self or was he happier in his old self but it is highly likely he is happier today than previously.
A simpler example: say that you are prone to sarcasm. I've met sarcastic people before and depends on the level of sarcasm, it is usually harmless and can be quite funny at times. Pauls' sarcasm, for example, is something I usually laugh at although it may be about me. However, let's say a friend has a very bad day and that it was partly his fault, do you just automatically open your mouth and say something sarcastic? What good does that do? The only person who benefits from this remark is probably you alone, but how about your friend? It only makes him feels worse. If he reacts badly to that remark, should you just shrug off and say, "Well, that's who I am and if he cannot take it, too bad"?, or should you have kept your mouth shut at the start and not make him feel any worse in the first place?
A personal example would be the changes I've made to how I dress. This was upon feedback from my friends. If I had just said, "Nah, I'm happy as who I am now, wearing oversized clothings and not bordering with syling hair, and so there is no need to change", I would not have discovered a greater sense of pleasure and enjoyment by changing the way I dress (and my hairstyle :-)).
I personally have struggled with "who am I?" as I am keen to clearly define it so as to be able to make a stand on things but I discovered that it itself is quite dynamic simply because I would like to improve myself. If it is due to feedback from other people, so be it. I am not suggesting that I change in response to every feedback and expectation but rather be open to them and decide for myself whether it is for the betterment of my person before changing, if at all.
Comments
...i can't answer. =)